Friday, April 27, 2012


Okay, so I know I said my next blog was going to be about our trip to the Medium 6 months after my brother passed away but...

Something happened this morning that I have to write about. (Actually 2 things)  Every morning on our Monday through Friday routine, it's mainly always the same. Daddy and mommy get up, daddy handles the doggies while mommy gets showered. Then daddy gets ready usually while mommy is doing the non-shower stuff of getting ready. So, once all that is done I usually then go into Braydens room and wake him to get him ready for daycare. So we are all usually downstairs at the same time, doing the kitchen part and last minute shoes and etc. part of leaving for the day. What's nice is we are so routine that Brayden just follows perfectly except for the occasional morning tantrum which I guess by what I have heard from other moms and dads I am pretty lucky because his seem mild. Really he only throws a tantrum during the rare moments of me being unable to hold him. I can usually deal. I try to do many distraction acts as I do this to get his attention elsewhere so he forgets I am not holding him. Sometimes this really works!

Anyways, the 1st event left me laughing so hard, Rick says he didn't find it all that funny. As we all have our hands full walking out to the garage to leave for work, Rick manages to grab a donut (my parents brought back from PA from our hometown bakery, yum!!) to eat on the way out. I'm out the man door first and then Brayden and then all the sudden I hear "What the Heck"!! I turn around and see that Rick had reached back with his donut hand to grab the door knob to shut the door and our chocolate lab Magoo grabbed Rick's donut right out of his hand! I couldn't help myself but laugh hysterically!! Needless to say Rick did run back and grab himself another donut!

2nd event, Brayden and I are all buckled up with our seat belts and headed off to his school. On our way out of our housing plan there is workers building a new roadway. Which means there are plenty of large construction type truck there which also means that Brayden is in his glory (for many that don't know he has a LOVE, no INFATUATION of TRUCKS) SO as we get closer he says repeatedly: "Truck, Truck, Truck". If he's not saying that he usually says "See". This particular morning before we got to the trucks there was a lady walking her 2 little Shih Tzu's. I hear from the back "See" and I said "See what baby" and then I hear this little voice say "Puppies". I was floored!! Yes he says tons of one worders and such but for him to actually put this together and know what they were and answer me, just made me cry. Then I said to him what's right up there buddy and he says "Truck". Which is the norm but I still had my mind on the puppies situation. He made me smile from ear to ear. I can't express how much I love watching him grow, explore and learn all sorts of things. I am blessed with my B-Man. He is amazing!!

Lastly, here are a few photos from last night after bath time. Brayden had his hair cut for the 2nd time and I just love his hair. He has beautiful curls in the back that everyone falls in love with. I make sure when we go get it cut though that we don't take too much of the curls off and yet still trim it enough that he looks like my little man!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Do you believe in Ghosts?? Do you believe in the afterlife?? Well, here is a bit of my experiences with this topic. First, when I was just 5 years old I seen my Grandfather. My moms dad. Mind you I am 5 and I don't know much about these such topics. My mother was up crying on night after his passing and I walked in her room and relayed the message I was given by my pap. He told me to tell her that he was okay now and that he was no longer suffering. That she could stop crying for him, it was all okay. Then, when I was a junior in high school my gram passed away, my moms mom. She was living with my aunt and uncle who lived next door to us because my aunt was a nurse so she had helped take care of her. My cousin at the time was 5, he told his father that he saw grandma hoo hoo and that she was with pap pap and that she was all better now. Crazy?!? I know!! They say children are the most purest of minds, not hindered by any real beliefs or disbelief's yet and that's why the communication is possible.
Now, From when I was 8 until a few years after I graduated high school I grew up in our family house on oakwood ave in Washington, pa. This house was full of creepy things. I actually sat on the phone last night with my lifelong best friend Ramia, who's been through it all with me and told stories and jarred our memories of some of our encounters there. We've heard footsteps coming up the basement stairs and walking to my bedroom door. My mom has heard those same footsteps walking up the stairs and through our kitchen and dining room and stopping at her bedroom door. She would talk as if it was my brother telling him to go back to bed and when she looked no one was there and when she checked on my brother he was fast asleep!! Ray and I have experienced someone talking to us, twice!! It sounded very gargled but it was surely talking. Other things in this house have happened to and honestly I think it may be too much to document in one post. So I'll sum it up with the above. Ever since I left this house my experiences were very far and few between.
Next, I take you to my parents house after this on Lacock St. in WashPA. After my brother has passed weird things happened. The DVR would record on it's own. Movies like, Grandma's Boy and an off the wall tv show but when you read the details of the show the name "Jessica" was in it. Lights would come on and the doorbell would ring for no reason. I had a song that I played at his viewing called Reason by Hoobastank. Well, most likely everytime I got in my car that song would come on the radio. I sit at my house now in NC and think sometimes I'd like a sign my brother is there but I feel like I'd be too scared or freaked out. I've heard the longer its been since their passing the better than can communicate or do things like move objects and such.
What do you think? We all are entitled to our own opinions, let's hear some!

My next post is sort of a continuance of this one - only I will be telling my story of our visit to a Medium 6 months after my brothers death.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

My Brother - Part 2

Just to let you know, the man who did this was caught and is serving 2 life sentences! His get-a-way driver is finally behind bars but only after she violated her parole. She's only gone for like 6 or 8 years. My brother was an innocent by standard in this whole mess, very unfortunate.

Life without my big brother is very different. It obviously will never be the same. Shortly after all this I moved here to North Carolina. I felt as though I was abandoning my parents. My brothers gone and I was the only child they had left. It left my heart very heavy. For the few years I lived here it wasn't too bad. We'd travel up to PA as much as possible and they'd travel down as much as possible. I spoke with them several times a day. Thank heavens for unlimited text messaging and for them being somewhat technically inclined! Then I got pregnant. That's when a whole new set of feelings set in for me. There is obviously NOT A DAY that goes by that I don't think of Shawn. Once we got pregnant, I ended up feeling happy, excited and sad all at the same time. Now my mind starts, he would have been an amazing uncle. I think of all that he will miss out on with not just the family anymore but now my child. Nonetheless a BOY!! I see so much of Shawn in Brayden already. I hope Brayden takes on my brothers personality. Which isn't too far off from mine and Ricks. Even though this is the life that was dealt for me and my family all I can do is manage to make it a good one. One with many wonderful memories. Ones that Brayden can pass on to his kids as well. I will give him as much knowledge of his Uncle Shawn that I can, in hopes that he will pass that on too. I need to make the best of what I have now, because we are here one moment and gone the next. Through this I have questioned many things, good or bad. I have lost my way with the Lord and hope that I am on my way to finding my way again. You can't help but question so many things when you experience something like this. I still have good days and bad but I do my best to keep on smiling.
In memory of Shawn David Allen, may you rest in peace and know that I love you dearly. I will do my best to make you proud of your baby sister. Until we meet again....
4/24/1974 - 4/21/2007

PS. My parents moved to NC in May of 2011!!!!

Panel 31 on the Murder Wall

Also, April 22nd - April 28th is Crime Victims Rights Week - say a prayer, there is too much crime in this world and you never know who among your friends or family is a victim.

My Brother - Part 1

Last week and so far this week has been pretty rough on me. April 21st, 5 years since my brother passed away. April 24th, would be his 38th birthday, today. Needless to say April is hard all together on me because the days leading up to those days are also hard. I feel terrible for my husband during this month because I know I have a tendency to be not so nice here and there. So god bless him for putting up with me through my hard times. He's been with me since just after my brothers passing. Unfortunately, he has never gotten to see the person I was before then. Not any of my new friends down here in NC have either. I lack a lot of who I once was. I never realized how much death could change someone. I've experienced death in many ways before. Family, friends and others. Not once did I ever think about it hitting so close to home for me.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I got a phone call from my mom, it was 3:45am. Startled I hear "Get dress, meet me at the hospital". Immediately I am thinking my father because he just had heart surgery not too long ago and so I begin to panic. I'm up out of bed in seconds. I ask, is dad okay? She says "Yes, it's your brother, he's been in an accident". I then ask, what happened? (All as I am trying to get dress and out the door, I'm 30 minutes from the hospital) I hear those damning words "He's been shot". My heart has sunk. We hang up and I'm gone. We get to the hospital at the exact same time. I have a friend back home in PA who I grew up with and her father is a Pastor. As we waited in the emergency room lobby for what seemed like hours, it was less than 2 minutes, then I seen him turn the corner. As soon as I seen him I knew, he obviously wasn't getting us to tell us good news. We are taken into a little room where Pastor Gibson proceeds to tell us that my brother didn't make it. Reality, really??? This is my life, really??? Just a bit of insight on me, I've always looked up to my parents. I couldn't have gotten a better set than who god had chosen for me. My father, he's my hero, my guide, my friend. I've always looked at him as, the family man, the one who couldn't be brought down by anything. This day, this very day changed all of that for me. I watched the one man I idolized and looked up to as we walked in to say our goodbye's fall to the ground in pain and sadness. Not that any one of us was more or less hurt, but watching him hurt, hurt me more. Where was that daddy I thought was so invincible to pain, the one I thought couldn't possibly be brought down by anything? Also to mention, not that any of this makes my father less of a father, a man or a husband to my mother. It just changed my reality, here one minute and gone the next and we are all capable of sadness and pain to this degree. I always thought, that will never happen to my family. I ate those words on this day.
So, we are in the room with my brother and its a very strange atmosphere. He's laying there and all you want to do is say "wake up" lets go! What's wrong with him, this can't be true. All the while I am thinking, I need to be as strong as possible. I need to hold this family together. I've seen many families fall apart after they have lost a child/sibling. We still at this point only know that he's been shot. We know no other information. We say our I love you's, will see you again someday's and then it's back home. To do what? Cry, scream, yell...this hurts!!!
My brother, he was so alive before, a free spirit, and he had a laugh that no matter what when you heard it, you'd laugh too! Always looking out for me, and as we got older we became great friends. We watched movies together, and the Steelers or the Penguins games together. CSI, 24...we loved it! That's all gone now.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Hi all! I am new to this so please bare with me. I am having a hard time figuring all of this out. I am not sure how to create my page and make it look all pretty. I guess I'll have to play around with it this weekend when I get some down time. Well, I look forward to meeting new people and being a part of the "Blogger" world!! Talk to you soon!!