My Brother - Part 1

Last week and so far this week has been pretty rough on me. April 21st, 5 years since my brother passed away. April 24th, would be his 38th birthday, today. Needless to say April is hard all together on me because the days leading up to those days are also hard. I feel terrible for my husband during this month because I know I have a tendency to be not so nice here and there. So god bless him for putting up with me through my hard times. He's been with me since just after my brothers passing. Unfortunately, he has never gotten to see the person I was before then. Not any of my new friends down here in NC have either. I lack a lot of who I once was. I never realized how much death could change someone. I've experienced death in many ways before. Family, friends and others. Not once did I ever think about it hitting so close to home for me.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I got a phone call from my mom, it was 3:45am. Startled I hear "Get dress, meet me at the hospital". Immediately I am thinking my father because he just had heart surgery not too long ago and so I begin to panic. I'm up out of bed in seconds. I ask, is dad okay? She says "Yes, it's your brother, he's been in an accident". I then ask, what happened? (All as I am trying to get dress and out the door, I'm 30 minutes from the hospital) I hear those damning words "He's been shot". My heart has sunk. We hang up and I'm gone. We get to the hospital at the exact same time. I have a friend back home in PA who I grew up with and her father is a Pastor. As we waited in the emergency room lobby for what seemed like hours, it was less than 2 minutes, then I seen him turn the corner. As soon as I seen him I knew, he obviously wasn't getting us to tell us good news. We are taken into a little room where Pastor Gibson proceeds to tell us that my brother didn't make it. Reality, really??? This is my life, really??? Just a bit of insight on me, I've always looked up to my parents. I couldn't have gotten a better set than who god had chosen for me. My father, he's my hero, my guide, my friend. I've always looked at him as, the family man, the one who couldn't be brought down by anything. This day, this very day changed all of that for me. I watched the one man I idolized and looked up to as we walked in to say our goodbye's fall to the ground in pain and sadness. Not that any one of us was more or less hurt, but watching him hurt, hurt me more. Where was that daddy I thought was so invincible to pain, the one I thought couldn't possibly be brought down by anything? Also to mention, not that any of this makes my father less of a father, a man or a husband to my mother. It just changed my reality, here one minute and gone the next and we are all capable of sadness and pain to this degree. I always thought, that will never happen to my family. I ate those words on this day.
So, we are in the room with my brother and its a very strange atmosphere. He's laying there and all you want to do is say "wake up" lets go! What's wrong with him, this can't be true. All the while I am thinking, I need to be as strong as possible. I need to hold this family together. I've seen many families fall apart after they have lost a child/sibling. We still at this point only know that he's been shot. We know no other information. We say our I love you's, will see you again someday's and then it's back home. To do what? Cry, scream, yell...this hurts!!!
My brother, he was so alive before, a free spirit, and he had a laugh that no matter what when you heard it, you'd laugh too! Always looking out for me, and as we got older we became great friends. We watched movies together, and the Steelers or the Penguins games together. CSI, 24...we loved it! That's all gone now.